A Warlock's Purpose
by Tibbins
Summary: An alternate ending to the finale so BEWARE SPOILERS! Merlin decides to try the Isle anyway and discovers a way to save Arthur. What is the price? And will he be willing to pay it? Arthur/Merlin slash.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello lovely readers ... I wonder ... did any of you HATE the ending as much as I did? Seriously the last ten minutes or so were stupidly cliche and annoying! Arthur's death wasn't even all that sad! It was poorly done and ending it in the modern day was predictable and rubbish. Everyone was out of character, no one seemed to care about Gwaine, Morgana's end was pretty anticlimatic and dull and we didn't see anything about Merlin going back to Camelot. I mean come on! Everyone loved Arthur but no one was crying at the end? Not even Gwen? I mean I don't like Gwen anyway but she had all the emotion of wet paint in the last scene. UGH!**

**Anyhow, rant over :P this is basically how _I_ wanted it to go (Maybe not exactly but something similar)**

**That pretty much suggests that I don't own Merlin right? Seeing as how I would have changed a LOT of that last episode and made it good**

**So basically substitute after they land at the lake and add this bit in**

**This chapter is dedicated to me I think :P to comfort myself for a terrible ending to a brilliant series.**

**Enjoy ^.^**

This was wrong … This was all wrong. Arthur dying in his arms _thanking _him for things he had taken for granted for the past ten years, Kilgarrah telling him that there was nothing he could do to help said Arthur. And Merlin himself, about to give up. No. This wasn't him. This wasn't any of them, Merlin and Arthur's last words together should have been heartfelt feelings covered with playful banter, Kilgarrah was the one who told him to _protect _the man, so suddenly changing his mind _after _ he had flown them all the way to the lake was baffling. There was something strange about this place. As he clutched Arthur's pale form, he looked around helplessly. He could feel Excalibur in his hand; he stroked the hilt gently, looking from the Isle to his king. Would it hurt to try? If Arthur was going to die anyway then another hour or so _trying _to bring him back wouldn't exactly hurt anyone. At least then he could be certain that he did everything in his power to save him. Determined, he gripped the sword tighter and slid it back into Arthur's sheath. Picking up the still form he struggled to the boat that would take him to the Isle. He would see this through to the very end. No matter what. He didn't care if Camelot didn't need Arthur anymore. Merlin did. His eyes flashed gold as he laid Arthur down in the boat and sat next to him, the Kings head on his lap. He stroked the golden hair comfortingly, more for his own benefit than Arthur's. As the boat began to slide through the glassy water, he could feel his breath hitching with dry sobs that he couldn't contain as his grief set in. He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath. He hadn't failed yet.

Arthur felt very far away. He felt as if he was horizontal, but he didn't seem to be lying on anything. He felt no urgency to sit up or open his eyes. He was peaceful, and happy right where he was. Then he felt a niggle in the back of his mind. He'd forgotten something, something important. He frowned. Maybe he should sit up. But he was warm and comfortable and if he moved he had a feeling that things would change. And he really didn't need to. After all, Merlin would tell him when it was time to get up. He always did. That was what he paid him for after all. So Arthur stayed right where he was.

A second later, or maybe it was a long time, it didn't seem important; he felt a pressure on his head. Someone was stroking his hair. It wasn't Gwen, he deduced. Gwen never did that. Him and Guinevere were only really married for convenience. They were great friends, and cared about each other, but it just wasn't the love that everyone seemed to think. Arthur would need an heir, and he had needed a wife. Gwen made a great queen and as a former servant it brought Camelot closer together and did wonders for morale. She was a good woman, and she had found love elsewhere, with Lancelot. And although she hadn't said much, he was pretty sure that she had found someone since his death. Arthur gave her his blessing and was happy for her. Wishing only that he could find the same joy. But he didn't want to think about that, not when he was so nice and warm, and the stroking of his hair lulled him into a doze.

A bump as the boat came to a stop jerked Merlin out of his thoughts, eyes on the Once and Future King he struggled to pick him up with the boat rocking unsteadily

'Prat' he muttered 'You could have laid off of those pork pies. I _told_ you that you'd get even fatter but did you listen? Pfft, as if' after some effort, he managed to almost drag Arthur onto the shore where he could comfortably pick him up again. Years of carrying luggage, boxes and supplies of a medical and edible variety had made him surprisingly strong for his stature and lack of muscles, so lifting up Arthur wasn't as difficult as it could have been. His eyes lingered on the wound in his Kings side, the drying blood surrounding it, the cause of all this trouble. He staggered through the stone archway and up a short flight of steps where he came to an alter, not unlike the Isle of the Blessed; he laid Arthur upon it. Taking a step back, he felt his eyes filling up at the image of the motionless body of his king on a stone plinth. He blinked back his tears and tore his eyes away to inspect his surroundings. There was no one in sight. But in these places, he had noticed that those around liked to make dramatic entrances.

'Hello?' he called. His voice echoed back to him off the cold, grey stone. No answer. He wasn't exactly sure what he was meant to do here. He walked back to Arthur. Gaius had said that his magic wouldn't work, and he had never been very good at healing spells anyway, but he had to try. Maybe this place enhanced his magic, increased his power. Maybe.

He whispered a few words of the Old Religion. He felt the magic build up inside him, almost saw it fly from his outstretched hand into Arthur's wound. But there was no change.

'Emrys' hissed a voice from behind him, he spun quickly, but he couldn't see anyone 'We felt your magic'

'Who are you?' Merlin ventured, standing in front of Arthur protectively 'What do you want?'

'That depends on what _you_ want Emrys. And you have met our like twice before. Under different circumstances'.

'You are a Sidhe', it was a statement rather than a question, and at that moment, he caught sight of a ball of light, flitting to and fro that seemed to be watching him. He hadn't seen it before as it was close enough to the glare of the sun to easily be missed.

'Yes' came the reply. 'What is it that you seek here, in the heart of our magic?'

'I'm looking for help' confessed the warlock 'My friend is dying. And I heard that you may know of a way to save him' The ball of light hovered for an instant, so he could see the little blue fairy-like creature seeming so consider his words, he then (for it sounded male) floated over to inspect Arthur a little more closely. Merlin didn't move, knowing a rash action could cost him the help he sought.

'An expensive favour' the Sidhe said, turning to Merlin 'Tell me Emrys, why should we help you? You who have killed four of our kind and one of our pixie servants, why should we save one of yours?' That silenced Merlin for a second, his eyes darted to Arthur and he drew strength from the fact that he needed to do this

'Because I am asking it of you' he said, voice trembling 'And because I will pay whatever price you need' the Sidhe made a gleeful hissing noise

'You know what this type of magic requires Emrys. This is more powerful than the Cup of Life and so demands a sacrifice. You did not appreciate the efforts of the High Priestess, you killed her instead. So tell me once more Emrys, why should I help you?'

'Because you are my last hope'

'And without hope, you will be nothing, and he will be dead. This man is important to you not only because he is your king I sense.'

'He is my friend also'

'Hmm...' said the Sidhe 'perhaps that is it' He then circled Merlin twice in quick succession 'So the price for such a path is a difficult one. But the king will be as he once was, I promise you that. He will walk and talk and feel and love as before, exactly as if he had not been touched with a dragon forged blade.'

'That is all I desire' The Sidhe laughed, a cruel laugh

'It may be the last you desire' he said 'for you can desire nothing without a soul' Merlin looked up to the Sidhe, wide eyed

'The price is my soul?' the creature nodded

'In a sense. In reality, the price is your magic. Your power will make your king whole again, but it will in turn break you' Merlin frowned, confused 'But Morgana took my magic once before...'

'No' the Sidhe interrupted 'She only suppressed it. You are a creature of magic, and to take your magic is to take the very essence of yourself. Your magic and your soul are so deeply entwined with each other that one cannot be taken without the other. You must understand this Emrys. Before you agree to continue in this pursuit.' The Sidhe paused then, giving Merlin time to think over his words. His soul. His life he would give without a thought but his soul? Could one live without a soul? Would he become a shade, like Lancelot? And life without his magic would be no life at all. Would he realise that without his soul?

'Will I live?'

'Aye, for a time. But you should hope not to. You will walk and talk and hear and see and eat. But you will not feel. You will have no memory, or emotion'

'How long will it take for me to be drained?'

'It will take as long as it takes for the king to grow strong again. When he reaches full strength, then you will be empty. To look at his wound it will take two days to fully heal. By then, you will no longer be Emrys, but a shell of a human'

'For how long?'

'That depends upon the loss. A week, perhaps two for one so great as yours. Those with lesser power would last longer, having less of a soul to lose.'

'Thank you, for your honesty' Merlin meant his words, he had been tricked too often by those claiming to help only to have lied about what price had to be paid. Nimueh came to mind, and his mother. He would not have time to say goodbye to her. But perhaps Gaius could send word, if they made it back in time to say goodbye to him, and the knights and Gwen if they hurried back to Camelot. Before he became … whatever he was to become. He turned away from the Sidhe and stood, one hand on either end of the plinth, looking at his friend. Only the slightest breath remaining to him, kept alive only by the magic of the Isle. Could he do it? To save Arthur? Could he give up his memories? He would know no one, forget how Arthur liked his bath, forget Gaius' favourite food, forget that he wore a neckerchief. He would know nothing of the great warlock he had been, all he had done, all he had ever known would be lost to him. That would hurt Gaius especially. But in losing his friends he would save Arthur. It was a hard decision. The impact on his friends would be huge. But if he could talk to Gaius first, he could make it painless. No one would have to look after him, see him as a shell. It would be better for everyone. Merlin took a deep breath and reached out to caress the king's cheek. He would say a proper goodbye when they were riding back to Camelot, he would explain everything. And he would beg Arthur to forgive him. Taking one last look he blinked hard, only allowing one tear to fall before he sniffed and wiped it away.

'Forgive me Arthur' he prayed before turning once more, to face the Sidhe

'So Emrys, you accept the terms, for the life of Arthur Pendragon?'

Merlin nodded

'I do'

'So be it' The ball of light surrounding the Sidhe grew in brightness. The creature began to chant in the ancient tongue of the Old Religion. Merlin gasped in pain and clutched at his chest, he could feel his magic stirring, angrily bubbling against the surface of his skin. His head flew back and he let out a high, long scream, his eyes burning gold as his magic left him, and something else, tugging at him, fighting to stay, clinging onto his very mind, pulling at his essence, refusing to let go. Merlin grabbed handfuls of his hair and cried out. He wanted it to stay, all of it, it hurt to be separated from it. It hurt so much that he couldn't stand it. He could feel himself leaving, his power entering Arthur. Merlin grasped blindly for his friend, holding onto whatever he could reach, desperately needing to be grounded, reminded of who he was.

When Arthur awoke, it was to his manservant and apparently the greatest sorcerer in the world, holding onto his cloak, sobbing uncontrollably. Arthur allowed himself a grin before sitting up. Merlin jolted up too, his tear streaked eyes desperately searching to meet his own. When they did, relief was plain to see, and a brilliant smile greeted him. But there was also pain. A pain greater than anything he could imagine.

'Can you walk?' the eager voice asked. Arthur nodded, he then tried to stand and shook his head. Merlin laughed and slung Arthur's arm over his thin shoulders and placed one of his own around the king's waist 'Here' he said, lifting Arthur to a standing position. He felt Merlin stumble slightly under his weight and Arthur was about to voice either concern or a comment on laziness before he caught the determined expression on the sorcerers face.

'We have to get back to Camelot sire, as soon as possible'

'Why?' Arthur managed to croak. Merlin stilled, and the pain in his eyes seemed to increase

'I'll explain when we find the horses'

**So ... what do you think? How does it compare to the episode?**

**Do you like it? Let me know**

**I'll update when I can**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you for all of your reviews. It was very interesting to see what you thought of the finale, some of you liked it, others not so much (I'm one of the latter)**

**This chapter is dedicated to my first reviewer Moon Fox as she seemed to share my opinion on most aspects of the ending. Pus as my first reviewer she earned the right to a dedication so here you go :D**

**I wish I owned Merlin**

**Enjoy ^.^**

'So … let me get this straight' Arthur said as he leaned forwards on his horse 'You exchanged your magic for my life?' Merlin nodded, tight lipped, he hadn't seen fit to explain the whole _I also gave up my soul and I'm dying _part yet. Especially as even one sentence seemed difficult for the clot-pole to grasp.

'Why?' Merlin jerked his head around to look at Arthur

'What?'

'Why would you do that for me?' Merlin gaped slightly. Not really knowing how to answer

'Why wouldn't I?'

'You've been lying to me for almost ten years Merlin, to protect your magic, and you would give it up just like that? Just for me?' Merlin closed his eyes, not wanting to have this conversation. He didn't want to be reminded of his loss, and he could feel his strength begin to wane. It was physically painful to be separated from his magic, like he had been turned inside out. But he gritted his teeth and answered

'You were dying, I had to do something and it was the only way' They fell silent for a time

'Thank you' Merlin glanced at his king and away, the pain too raw to accept his thanks. Arthur seemed to notice this.

'I just thanked you and you look like you're about to cry, you're such a _girl_ Merlin' That got a grin, a small one, but it was a grin nonetheless.

'What _is_ wrong with you?' Arthur asked a moment later 'I'm alive, you're alive, everyone's alive and well, you should be happy'

'Why do you care whether I'm happy or not? I'm just a sorcerer remember?' Arthur blinked, and looked at Merlin, really _looked. _He was pale and miserable and that strange pain was still in his eyes

'You're not a sorcerer any more' he ventured gently, noticing his manservant flinch 'And that's a bad thing because...?'

'Because I feel like my insides are being ripped apart, I feel empty, I've lost everything that made me who I was and I did it to save your sorry life, when all you've _ever _done is persecute my kind! I _need _my magic and now it's gone! And it _hurts_!' Merlin let out a sob then, just the one, before pulling himself upright and settling his face into neutral. Arthur was taken-aback. He always thought of magic as an evil presence, and when it was gone, the sorcerer would feel better. Not this. Merlin looked like he was grieving. He was in pain. He pulled up his horse, noticing the panic in Merlin's eyes

'What are you doing?' Arthur slid from his horse, clutching his side as his ribs jarred

'I need to rest. And so do you. It's nearly sunset, we won't get much further today'

'We can't stop' Merlin didn't move from his horse, he was staring down at Arthur in horror, like he had suggested that he was going to sleep on the edge of a cliff 'We have to keep moving'

'The horses need to rest Merlin and so do I.' Arthur settled himself against a tree trunk and slid down to the ground, wincing. Merlin was looking between him and the treeline 'Why are you so worried? We have all the time in the world to get back to Camelot' Merlin looked at him like he was insane and then let out a defeated sigh and dismounted

'We aren't staying long' he declared, opening one of the food packs and tossing Arthur a handful of nuts

'I'm the king Merlin. I decide when we move on'

'No you don't' his voice was so firm that Arthur dropped of the nuts in surprise

'Excuse me? What is with this desire to run our horses to death to get us back to Camelot' Merlin hesitated

'I need to talk to Gaius'

'What about?' Merlin shook his head and sat on the floor, but he was jumpy and wouldn't sit still. Arthur sighed '_Mer_lin! I already know that you were a sorcerer, what else aren't you telling me?' Merlin stilled and stared at Arthur, considering him. Then he sighed. He might as well tell him, he'd find out soon enough anyway.

'The bargain I made wasn't just for my magic. I mean, it was but that wasn't all they took'

'What? What are you talking about?'

Merlin stared at the leafy ground

'I am a creature of the Old Religion' he began 'I am no ordinary sorcerer; magic isn't just a part of me, it _is _me. I _am _magic. To take my magic is to also take my soul' Arthur blinked and Merlin met his eyes. There was so much pain in his gaze that Arthur couldn't bear to look. But he couldn't look away.

'But...' Arthur began 'You're fine! I mean, you're still _you_.' Merlin shook his head

'Not for long. Only for the time it takes for you to grow to full strength, then the bargain will be complete and I will cease to be me.'

'What do you mean?' Arthur couldn't comprehend this. He had barely gotten over Merlin being a sorcerer and still a good person, but now he was losing both? Why couldn't he be simple?

'I mean that in a day or so, when you are fully healed, I will lose my emotions and my memories and I will live on as a shell of myself. That is why I need to get back to Camelot. So I can say my goodbyes and ask Gaius to help me.'

'How will he do that?' Merlin shrugged as if it wasn't important but he answered anyway

'Poison. He can make it painless. I don't want to live like that. I don't want to be a burden on you.'

'Merlin' Arthur said it so softly, so full of compassion and feeling that Merlin felt his eyes fill with tears. 'You didn't have to do that' Merlin sniffed

'Of course I did' he said, the sound strangely muffled 'there was no other way and I couldn't lose you'

'I'm sorry' the apology was so unexpected that Merlin's head shot up, their eyes met

'What?'

'I'm sorry that you felt you had to do that for me'

'It was my choice to make, it is not your fault Arthur.' Arthur looked down then. He wasn't worthy to look upon this man, his _friend_ who had sacrificed everything he had for him. Merlin sighed as he looked at his ashamed king.

'Get some rest Arthur. We need to make it back to Camelot as soon as possible'

**So what do you think? I think that some bits could have been phrased better and I'm not sure I really got the emotion across but I tried, and this is at least a template of the conversation I wanted them to have**

**Let me know if you liked it or not :)**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey guys :D I'm doing alright with my updating so far aren't I? :P Remember this for when I start to slack (hopefully it won't happen but you never know) I want to thank everyone who has followed and favourited this story, I know there have been loads of you xD**

**I also want to thank my reviewers and I do that by dedicating chapters to them. (Hint, if you want a dedication make it a long and heartfelt review)**

**This one is dedicated to James-Padfoot as a fellow Harry Potter fan I love the name and your review made me laugh ;)**

**I don't own Merlin**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Arthur awoke to find Merlin lying a few feet away. Knowing now of the urgency with which they needed to return to Camelot, Arthur stood and made his way over to his friend, he rotated his shoulder, glad to find that there was almost no pain. That sleep must have done him good. He knelt down and shook his manservant's shoulder

'Merlin'

Merlin didn't move. Arthur said his name louder

'Merlin!' the sleeping form gave a grunt. Arthur sighed in relief. Gently he pulled Merlin onto his back. And gasped. Merlin was deathly pale and when he opened his eyes, there was no recognition in them.

'Merlin?' The panic in Arthur's voice was obvious. Then there was a spark, and Merlin sat up

'Arthur?' he said 'You look better'

'I am'

'But you sound worried' Merlin cocked his head, confused

'I was worried about _you_, idiot'

'Why?'

'Because you look like death and you almost didn't recognise me!' There was a shift in Merlin's eyes then, amusement turned to fear in an instant. But in an exaggerated show of calm, he stood slowly, and made his way to the horse. He was shaking, Arthur noticed. Either with fear or the effort of walking he couldn't tell. But Merlin was definitely weaker. He watched Merlin mount with difficulty, not wanting to hurt the man's pride by offering to help. Merlin then turned the horse so he could look at Arthur comfortably

'We have to get back to Camelot' he said, even his voice sounded strained, like everything took more effort than it was supposed to. Arthur bit his lip and mounted his own horse. He clicked his teeth and set the pace at fast. Merlin followed, slightly behind as was his wont. Arthur looked back every so often to make sure Merlin was still there, and he'd make a comment. Sometimes Merlin answered back with a look or a witty line but as the sun reached it's peak and began to sink, it was more likely for him to be ignored or given a blank look and a nod or a shake of the head, as if he couldn't distinguish sarcasm. After three consecutive non-replies, to Arthur's increasingly offensive insults, Arthur dropped back slightly to ride next to Merlin

'Merlin?' he said gently, waiting until Merlin's strangely blank eyes were on him 'Do you know who I am?' Merlin nodded and Arthur breathed again

'You are Arthur Pendragon, king of Camelot.' Arthur nodded slowly, wondering if Merlin was already fading. Arthur felt stronger so that boded ill for the warlock, then there was a flicker in Merlin's blue eyes

'And a royal prat' Merlin grinned then stopped and thought for a minute as Arthur considered him worriedly 'I didn't care' he said in a small voice

'What?'

'You insulted me and I felt nothing. No amusement, no annoyance, just nothing. I didn't _care_.' Merlin looked truly frightened by this prospect 'I didn't feel anything! I couldn't connect anything from the past, I couldn't _remember._ I didn't even try to. Is that how it'll feel? All the time?' Arthur shook his head helplessly at the desperation in Merlin's face

'I don't know Merlin' he said. Feeling guilty that he had driven his friend to this fear. Merlin shouldn't have made that bargain

'If...' Merlin paused and looked at Arthur with pleading eyes 'if I don't make it back. If you lose me before we make it to Camelot, then … could you kill me? Please. I don't want to live like that.' Arthur opened his mouth, shut it again and then decided on words

'Merlin...' he stumbled over his words 'I don't know if I can do that' Merlin reached over to grab weakly onto Arthur's cloak, but he wobbled and Arthur had to hold his arm to keep him on his horse

'I understand' he said, defeated as Arthur pushed him back onto his horse, but he slumped forward in the saddle. 'It's alright' Arthur went to say something else, but he didn't. Judging that silence was the best policy about now. But really. How could Merlin expect him to _kill_ him? Just drive a sword through his belly as if the last ten years hadn't meant anything and the man next to him on a horse _wasn't _his best friend. Technically, he should be able to. Merlin had lied to him for said ten years about his magic which was outlawed in Camelot and punishable by death. So could it be counted as justice?

_Don't be an idiot _a little voice in his head that sounded suspiciously like Merlin said _you're just trying to justify killing him. He asked you to. He _wants_ you to. _Of course … there was always that. How could he deny Merlin his last request? Especially since Merlin never asked for anything (not seriously anyway). Not a raise, not time off, not credit for his magical deeds. And even now he was accepting that Arthur couldn't do it. Caring more about keeping Arthur free of the responsibility of his death than living without emotion or memory, a life which he had subjected himself to to save Arthur no less. So Arthur changed his mind.

'I will kill you' he said, looking ahead rather than at Merlin 'only if there is no hope of you coming back _before _we get to Camelot. Once we get there, it's up to Gaius. It will be less painful if he does it anyway.' Merlin nodded

'Thank you' he said sincerely, then he grinned 'But if you wanted to poison me you could always try and cook me something' Arthur laughed gently hit Merlin on the arm. As he did so Merlin's eyes went blank again and he almost fell from his horse but regained his balance through sheer self preservation. Something which Merlin usually seemed to lack. Arthur looked down at his horse, knowing that the laughter from a few seconds ago had ceased to exist in Merlin's mind. He increased the pace, urging his horse faster and encouraging Merlin to do the same. Well, he ordered rather than encouraged seeing how this new, emotionless Merlin wouldn't understand any hints or bargains. But he followed orders. He made a mental note to mention this to lucid Merlin later, he could make all sorts of jokes about that. As he rode, he tried not to see Merlin start to sway dangerously next to him.

**So there you have it. The third chapter done and dusted :P**

**What did you think? I know it's kind of a filler chapter where not much happened but I wanted to have the whole Merlin asked Arthur to kill him thing and Arthur's reaction to this.**

**Camelot will appear in the next chapter ... but will lucid Merlin? ;) You'll have to read it and see.**

**Please let me know if you liked it or not, reviews make me happy and when I'm happy I write faster ^.^**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello you lovely, lovely people :D the last chapter received a barrage of reviews, it was great :D so I want to thank you all for that**

**I'm afraid this is another filler chapter. It's necessary to introduce the slash and have soul-less Merlin's point of view. **

**Yes FaithStrange ... there will be lemon :P maybe not M rated lemon, but cute slash ;)**

**This chapter is dedicated to Merlin-Herondale because your review was just so nice ^.^ thank you**

**I don't own Merlin blah blah blah**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Merlin was tired. He was so tired. He was tired of the constant _ache_ in his chest and the sheer emptiness he felt. It hurt to be empty, to be missing a part of yourself. A part so huge that it defined you entirely. It was harder to care about anything that Arthur said as the day wore on. It was harder to wonder why he _should _care. He couldn't seem to think of a reason why the man on the horse in front of him was important. He didn't care where they were going or why the blonde man looked so worried and continued to talk to him. Everything was muffled, like he was there but not really. The world around him blurred and he couldn't remember when they last stopped, or how long ago the last clearing was, or which birds were singing. Why should he care about anything like that? It was trivial. Everything was trivial.

_Not everything _a little voice whispered in his head. _You still have your destiny _Merlin shook himself. He was imagining things, strange voices of destinies. But that word struck something within him, inside the _ache_ where the nothing was. Merlin bent over. Remembering hurt. He remembered his destiny, his purpose; the reason he forgot. He remembered Arthur and Camelot and Gaius and what he had asked of Arthur. He understood why Arthur was worried and he could hear larks and blue-tits singing in the trees. It all came back to him in one huge rush so strong that he nearly overbalanced on his horse. He felt tired and weak. In front of him Arthur was straight backed and strong. Merlin gulped. That had been terrifying. There was no way for him to know how long he had been like that. He was glad that Arthur had agreed. He couldn't live like that. He couldn't just not care about _anything_. He was the kind of person who cared about _everything_. He took pleasure in the details of his surroundings, the trees, the wildlife, the greenery. He used to love the way that his magic would flare up in the woods, thrumming comfortably beneath his skin as if nature herself was calling to him. He missed that feeling; that constant assurance that he would be alright, no matter what happened. Whether bandits attacked or a magical creature appeared or Arthur made an insensitive comment and deserved to trip, his magic made him bold, confident and brave. He couldn't live without his magic. Couldn't get his chores done and have time to help Gaius. He couldn't accompany Arthur on any dangerous missions and assure Gwen and Gaius that they would both be fine. Without his magic he was a coward. He could barely swing a sword and without the ability to make branches drop unexpectedly how could he protect Arthur? Now all he felt was empty, and scared.

Arthur slowed his horse to match pace with Merlin's. He had notice emotion registering again and thought that he should talk to him. After all, they were still a few hours away from Camelot and Merlin was pale and shaking. His pain was almost gone. He wasn't grateful. The longer he took to heal the longer that Merlin would have. He still couldn't get his head around the fact that Merlin had willingly given up his magic and his soul for him. He couldn't comprehend why Merlin would subject himself to a fate so terrible just so that Camelot would have a king. But even if he _had _died, and if Merlin _hadn't _made that sacrifice, Camelot would be no worse off. Guinevere was a great queen and would rule the kingdom justly and well. Morgana was dead, there were no other major threats that Gwen couldn't deal with and all would be well in Camelot. And Merlin was no idiot, he knew that the kingdom didn't need him anymore. But it was hard to find the words, even after trying to think of the right thing to say during the hours that Merlin had become … empty.

'Merlin' Arthur began, staring at his horses mane, but not continuing until he saw Merlin look at him in his peripheral vision 'Why did you agree to give up your magic?' Arthur looked up then. He saw Merlin's eyes widen in surprise and answer as if he was talking to a slow child … a voice that he used quite a lot with Arthur actually

'To save your life of course' he answered 'it was the only way, so I took it'

'But why?' Arthur persisted 'Camelot doesn't need me. There are no more battles to fight, no more threats, nothing remained that Gwen couldn't handle as queen. You didn't have to save me to save Camelot' Merlin looked pained, and his eyes dropped to Arthur's chest. He looked … embarrassed.

'Maybe Camelot didn't need you but I do' he said quickly, his words coming out in a rush 'You're the best friend I've ever had, I couldn't bear to lose you and there was no way I could just let you die knowing I could save you.' Arthur almost physically recoiled from the words. It hadn't been about Camelot at all. It had been about _Merlin_. Looking at it that way it made sense. That was just who Merlin was. Even though he had lied about his magic, he couldn't have faked being such an unselfish idiot all the time. Of _course _he would sacrifice himself for Arthur. The stupid, idiotic, good-hearted, kind, _fool_ of a manservant.

'I would never have asked you to pay that price for me' he mumbled 'You shouldn't have done it.'

'Arthur' the king waited 'look at me' so Arthur lifted his head to meet Merlin's eyes, those good, expressive, _honest_ eyes and didn't break contact as their horses continued to trot

'Even now, knowing what it would feel like to be without a soul and without my magic; knowing that you wouldn't have wanted me to. I would make the same decision a thousand times over if it meant two more days that I could spend with you' Merlin spoke completely calmly. As if it was the most obvious answer in the world. Arthur couldn't reply to that kind of heartfelt honesty with a sarcastic remark. Remembering that this may be one of his final chances to say what he felt.

'I can't watch you fade away Merlin' Arthur said, his voice thick. 'I don't think I can look at you and know all that you have done for me and never be able to thank you because you won't remember. I can't watch you forget all that we have been through together. I don't want to have to get a new servant and pretend that I don't miss the way that you wrestle me out of bed and pick at my food and wake me up in the middle of the night because you are looking for _woodworm_ and disappear for days on end without warning. I just can't act like all that meant nothing Merlin.' he said. Then he took a deep breath 'Because it means everything to me... _you _mean everything to me' He faced forward then and urged his horse to go slightly faster; so that Merlin wouldn't see his tears, and he would be spared the sight of Merlin's.

**See what I mean by filler chapter? Maybe I lied slightly when I said that Camelot would occur in this chapter ... I'm sorry :( but this just kind of flowed and happened so I'm sorry if it drags on a bit**

**Besides, I'm hoping that the cuteness will make up for it?**

**Does it? Please don't hurt me *hides behind laptop***

**Please let me know your opinions :)**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	5. Chapter 5

**Hey :D I know it's been a few days since the last chapter but I haven't been idle xD I finished my Glee does Disney fic (If you like Glee please check it out) so I concentrated on that. But now that's out of the way I can focus on this :D**

**I don't own Merlin**

**This chapter is dedicated to Demitea - Thank you for saying that you think this is better than the original ending. That means a lot**

**Enjoy ^.^**

They rode through the gates of Camelot a few hours later, Merlin had only grown more weary as the day progressed. Everything about him ached and he felt vulnerable and useless and he could feel himself slipping away, and that scared him more than anything. But as much as he wanted to ride next to Arthur and talk to him, tell him a proper goodbye, he didn't want to interrupt the king.

Arthur hadn't spoken to Merlin since he had confessed his feelings, even though he knew he was lucid and that this may be his last chance. Those last words had sounded like a goodbye to him. Too much so. They rode to the stables and Arthur dismounted. Looking back at Merlin he saw his friends blank expression and bit his lip. He guided Merlin off his own horse and led him through the courtyard to Gaius. On the way, with what seemed like a monumental effort, Merlin came back to himself. He stopped suddenly, making Arthur turn around and look at him, Merlin was shaking violently, his breathing was laboured, and his grip on Arthur's shoulder was as strong as a kitten. Arthur looked on in concern, waiting for Merlin to form the words that seemed so physically difficult to say

'Arthur' he said 'I don't have long, I can feel it. I just... I want you to know that I … I don't regret the choice I made. I know you will be a great king... the greatest king. I love you Arthur. I need you to know that... This is my goodbye. Just … don't be a prat.' with that Merlin pushed Arthur aside, straightened his back and continued walking to Gaius' chambers with all the dignity he could muster.

'Merlin!' Arthur called. The warlock turned and for the first time, Arthur could see the true fear in Merlin's eyes. Arthur rushed forward and pressed his lips to his manservants. After an intense, emotion fuelled kiss, Arthur drew back and nodded to Merlin, who nodded back. Understanding that Arthur would leave it there, allowing Merlin the goodbye on his terms. But as Arthur turned his back on his manservant, his friend, his … everything. Arthur couldn't stop the guilt that threatened to crush him. So he rounded the corner and waited for a few minutes until he could be sure Merlin was with Gaius, then he followed and took up a vigil outside the door.

'Gaius' the tone in Merlin's voice immediately worried the old man. It was young, and vulnerable and scared and confused. All the things that Merlin hated to be. When he turned to face his ward he saw the tears in his eyes and then Merlin was crumbling and he stepped forward to catch him and allowed Merlin to sob uncontrollably into his chest. He stroked the back of his head soothingly

'I had to do it Gaius' Merlin managed to get out 'I _had _to save him! I can't live without him I just _can't_!'

'Merlin, what did you do?' the physician asked, gently pushing Merlin back and meeting his eyes, noticing for the first time how _pale _Merlin was, and how frail he seemed 'Where is Arthur?'

'Arthur is fine. Almost recovered. I … I spoke to the Sidhe' dread pooled in Gaius' stomach. Although he had told Merlin to seek out the Sidhe, as he knew that to be the only hope, he had known that they were a cruel people. He had hoped that they would be merciful in the price they exacted. Apparently not.

'What was the price you bargained?' _please not Merlin's life, please not Merlin's life _he held the boy tighter

'My magic' Gaius' eyes widened in horror. No, not this. _Anything _but this. Death was a better option. No one deserved that.

'Merlin' Gaius said, 'do you know what this means?' Merlin nodded

'They took my magic and my … my soul.' Gaius could see the fight going on in Merlin, the struggle in his eyes, both to stay calm and to stay.

'My boy' he honestly did not know what else to say

'I can't live like that Gaius. I've been fading out on the journey back and it's horrible.' Gaius' heart swelled with love for this brave idiotic boy, the son he never had. 'I don't have much longer, Arthur is nearly fully healed. I ... I need your help' Gaius frowned

'Merlin. I could research into a way to reverse the process. It will take time. But rest assured that I will look after you to the best of my ability when you … leave.' Merlin was shaking his head and Gaius stopped. Refusing to think of any other explanation for Merlin's plea, he couldn't … surely,

'That isn't what I meant Gaius' Merlin said 'I have a few more goodbyes to make first but … I don't want to live not caring about anything or anyone. Not knowing anything about the people around me, not _caring_. You can make it painless Gaius' he begged 'You know how to -'

'Merlin' Gaius said desperately 'You can't ask this of me' his eyes filled with tears 'There must be some way...'

'I can't take that chance Gaius. I need to know that you won't let me stay that way. Promise me'

'Please Merlin' Gaius pleaded 'Allow me some time. I will never forgive myself if I never found and answer, never discovered even a remote possibility that I could have helped you.'

Merlin stopped at that. Because that was exactly how _he _had felt. It was the prospect of intense self-loathing that taken his soul in the first place. He couldn't deny Gaius the chance to avoid that himself. So he nodded. As much as he hated the idea of being _empty_ for any period of time, he understood Gaius completely.

'The Sidhe said that I would die after a week anyway. You will have that long to see if you can find a way back.' Gaius let out a sigh of relief 'But' Merlin warned 'if at any point you discover that there is no cure, no way to reverse this. Then I want you to promise that you will help me. I don't want to linger in that state for longer than necessary.' Gaius nodded

'I promise' Merlin nodded. Then reached forward and hugged his mentor tightly

'Thank you' he mumbled 'I know that what I ask is hard for you' then he stood and headed out the door 'I need to speak to the knights. I don't know how much longer I can stay like this.' with that he left. And the physician let a few tears of his own fall. He would stick to his promise. Watching Merlin live and yet not live would be as hard for him as for Merlin. Without wasting another second he turned to his books and extracted a heavy tome, hoping he could find an answer before Merlin fell into that state.

**So what do you think? Like it so far? Any questions/ideas/comments?**

**Please let me know, feedback is really important to me**

**It may be a few more days until the next chapter. I really need to revise and do homework and boring things :(**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hey everyone ^.^ Sorry for the delay in updates, I've been really busy with various things. Not revision though which I have a feeling will come back to bite me later but oh well**

**Here's the next chapter :D**

**This one is dedicated to NatalieAG. Thank you so much for your review it made me really happy ^.^**

**I don't own Merlin**

**Enjoy :D**

Merlin stumbled into Arthur outside the door and nodded fondly but didn't speak to him. He knew that Arthur understood. He had said his goodbye to his greatest friend and if they spoke again, he wasn't sure he could let go. He made his way down to the training ground where he found Leon and Percival in the middle of a training session. They both stopped what they were doing and rushed over to him when they saw him, bombarding him with questions about Arthur, after he assured them that their king was safe he glanced around and noticed Gwaine was missing

'Where's Gwaine' he asked, his question was met with uncomfortable looks and then Percival stepped forward

'We went to confront Morgana' he said, managing to look sheepish despite his bear like physique 'Just the two of us. He was angry about that traiter-girl getting executed and I thought that it was better I went with him rather than trying to persuade him otherwise and him going on his own. So we found her camp. Took out her guards but somehow I became knocked unconscious. When I woke up, I was tied by my arms and no one was around. But …' the huge, gentle knight seemed to choke on his next words 'I heard him screaming' Merlin's eyes widened as he stared at Percival who was staring at his feet. No, please no. Not Gwaine, funny, drunken, angry, brave, strong, loyal Gwaine. His best friend after Arthur, the one man who could actually make him forget all his problems and worries and laugh at all his boyish pranks. He felt a vicious stab of venom towards Morgana. He was glad she was dead for hurting Gwaine. 'I managed to break out of the ropes' Percival said 'He was barely alive when I got to him so I carried him back to Camelot. He's in his room, resting. Gaius said he should be fine but' he swallowed nervously 'He gave up your location to Morgana. I don't think he'll ever forgive himself' Merlin sighed in relief

'I'll go and speak to him soon' he promised 'But I need to talk to you.' he took a deep breath 'I'm going to be... going away in a few days. I mean, you'll see me around but I won't be … me' the knights exchanged confused looks

'What do you mean, Merlin?' asked Leon, frowning

'I mean that. In order to save Arthur, I had to give up my … my soul and I'm not going to be me for very much longer. So I really just wanted to say goodbye to everyone before I … left.'

'Merlin' Percival stepped forwards 'Isn't there a way to...'

'Gaius is looking but it's... unlikely. After my soul is gone I'll live for maybe a week so he doesn't really have much time to research and I won't be fit to help him.' Merlin spoke as bluntly and emotionlessly as he could. He didn't want to tear up or break down in front of his friends. He had to be strong for them. 'I should still be able to continue my duties as Arthur's manservant. Apparently in that state I'm very good at taking orders.' that brought on a weak chuckle from Percival. And then Merlin was being lifted up and crushed in a bear hug.

'You are so brave Merlin, to sacrifice all you have for Arthur. I promise you that we will keep him safe and see you have not done so in vain.' Merlin smiled up at the huge knight as he was set down. Then Leon stepped forward.

'I will personally see to it that we will all help Gaius research a way to help you Merlin. We will set up a rota' Merlin nodded at Leon and stepped forward to hug the first in command.

'Thank you' Merlin said sincerely, blinking back his tears 'Thank you both, so much.' then he backed off a few steps and met their eyes as he spoke a final goodbye. Then he smiled and turned on his heel to go and speak to Gwaine; stumbling as he did so. Trying to ignore his headache, he was visibly fighting now. Fighting not to fall back into that black hole of nothing. He needed to speak to Gwaine; set his mind at ease, tell him goodbye.

He found the knight where he had been left, in his bed. He was facing away from the door as Merlin entered.

'Gwaine?' Merlin ventured. Gwaine didn't move, Merlin could see the rise and fall of his shoulder with every breath, and there was a slight shudder which told him that Gwaine was faking sleep

'I know you're awake' he said. Gwaine still didn't move. So Merlin went around the bed to him instead. Gwaine's eyes were open, staring, and there was a sadness in them that Merlin hated to see

'I heard what happened' Merlin said gently. This made Gwaine meet his eyes, a self-loathing so deep that Merlin placed his hand on Gwaine's covered shoulder 'I'm glad you're alright' Gwaine snorted

'You must hate me' he said, voice cracking 'I betrayed you' Merlin shook his head, silently begging the knight to understand

'I could never hate you Gwaine' he said 'you were being tortured, it wasn't your fault' Gwaine seemed to be drinking in his every word, wanting desperately to believe him 'Although going after Morgana on your own was an incredibly stupid idea' he chastised softly. Gwaine smiled tentatively

'Yeah' he said, stretching and sitting up 'I guess I learned my lesson for that' he grimaced.

'She's dead you know' Merlin told him. 'I killed her' Gwaine shook his head, he hadn't known then. Merlin suddenly felt a shudder run through him and he felt the oppressing darkness, trying to ward it off he grabbed Gwaine's hand urgently, the drunken knight's eyes widened with confusion

'Merlin, are you-'

'Look after Arthur' Merlin said, gasping as he felt his emotions begin to slip away 'I'm going now Gwaine, you probably won't see me again. I'm sorry I don't have time to explain. Ask Gaius or Leon... You have been a great friend to me' he managed 'The greatest friend. Thank you for everything' he barely had time to feel Gwaine's arms around him, feel comforted for his last few seconds before he forgot who and where he was. Gwaine felt Merlin go still in his arms and pulled back, looking on in horror as Merlin's eyes were blank and empty.

**So there you have it. Merlin's goodbyes**

**What do you think? Like it? Think them too similar? Inconsistent? OOC? Rushed?**

**Please let me know :)**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Hey guys ^.^ Sorry about my tardiness but I did warn you :P**

**Here's the next chapter of the best Merlin fanfic EVER! ;) (I kid of course)**

**This one is dedicated to triolet because your review made me smile ^.^ thank you so much :D**

**I don't own Merlin and all that jazz**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Merlin was taken to Gaius' chambers whilst Leon explained the situation to a shocked Gwaine, a passing servant had heard Gwaine yelling for help and had fetched Gaius who had sent for Leon. Percival led Merlin away, trying to hide how disconcerted he was by Merlin's compliance and stillness. He didn't move unless he was told to and he stopped as soon as his task was completed. He also almost took three wrong turns, apparently not remembering his way around the castle.

Percival hated seeing Merlin like this, and after he was put safely in his room, the large knight grabbed a hefty tome and began to search alongside Gaius for an answer. Gwaine joined them a while later, staggering slightly. The physician's chastisements were mitigated by his gentle, understanding expression as he ordered Gwaine to at least sit on the cot while giving him a book. They were all pretty shaken at seeing this new, emotionless, smile-less Merlin, and none of them liked it.

Leon was grim-faced as he knocked on Arthur's chamber door. The king turned to face him instantly

'Merlin?' Leon nodded slowly and the king sighed and ran a hand over his face 'and Gaius?'

'Gaius, Gwaine and Percival are all looking into a cure, sire' Leon said. Arthur nodded

'Good' he said 'keep me informed' recognising this as a dismissal, Leon bowed and left Arthur alone with his thoughts. When the heavy oak door shut behind his master at arms Arthur turned and launched a jug of water (thankfully now empty) across the room where it landed with a crash, then he sank to his knees, hands gripping his hair and took a few deep breaths, trying to hold his grief in. Unsuccessfully it seemed, when he began to shake with dry sobs.  
He couldn't help the memories that flashed behind his closed eyelids, nor could he stop the thought that Merlin had lost those memories, those feelings, all for the sake of him, a king that was no longer useful, a king that needed his _manservant _to save him; a simple boy from a simple village with simple clothes and a simple, honest smile that had wriggled and argued and insulted and grinned his way into becoming an integral part of Arthur's life. He could barely remember a time before Merlin that couldn't be summed up as 'dull'.  
The thought of going back to that existence was incomprehensible. _Surely_ a person who could bring joy wherever he went and could change the most stubborn of people (and princes) for the better was worth far more than one of those that had been changed. He let out a strangled cry, in that one sound cursing the world, cursing Merlin, cursing Mordred and Morgana and most of all, himself. If he hadn't called Merlin a coward in the first place, he wouldn't have been at the battlefield at all and he'd still be bumbling around his chambers, waiting for his return, Arthur lost himself in his guilt for a moment, then he allowed it to morph into anger.  
Why? Why did that idiot have to go and save him? Why couldn't he just have let Arthur die and grieve and move on like a _normal_ person? Why did he have to be so damn self-sacrificing and stubborn and selfless? Why did he have to be such a true friend? Arthur would never forgive Merlin for this, never. He always knew that Merlin was stupid but really, this took the imaginary cake. _And_ he never got a satisfactory explanation for the dress; and now he never would… because Merlin wouldn't remember.

_No_ he chastised himself, he couldn't think like that. Gaius and the others would find a way to bring Merlin back. They _always_ found their way out of situations like this. Arthur had been turned into a _donkey_ for Albion's sake!  
He rose steadily and went to pick up the jug, cradling it for a brief moment as he remembered how many times he had used it (or similar) to throw at Merlin before setting it back on the table, sitting at the end of the bed he tried not to think about the fact that it had actually been Merlin's magic that fixed things rather than Gaius' research. Now, Merlin's magic was gone with his soul.  
He thought over Merlin's goodbye to him and brought his hand up so his fingers touched his lips. Arthur let a tear fall then, realising that he had not only lost a friend. He squeezed his eyes shut, trying to memorise every moment he had spent with Merlin, the good and the bad alike.  
Then he opened his eyes, wiped his cheek, stood and left the room, making for the physician's chambers where he found three pairs of sad, yet determined eyes that swivelled in his direction when he entered. Gaius wordlessly handed him a book and Arthur sat down, opened it and began to read, hoping against hope to find Merlin's saviour within the yellowing pages.

_XXX_

Merlin was hungry, so he ate, he was thirsty, so he drank and he was cold so he wrapped a blanket around himself. He assumed that his name was Merlin because that's what everyone called him; the man that had screamed for help even though he hadn't been injured, the large man with no sleeves and big arms whom Merlin was tentative to go near although he had presented no real danger and the old man who had called himself Gaius. He could hear their voices through the door on occasion, usually posing questions which Gaius would answer.  
At some point, a new voice joined in, a voice that sounded like safety. Merlin shook his head and the thought was forgotten. He sat on the bed and stared at the door until Gaius came for him some time after sundown when he told Merlin that he had prepared a bath for him. Merlin followed the old man that smelt of herbs and porridge to the large, brass tub filled with slightly steaming water.  
Merlin removed his clothes and sank into the warm water, washed himself and then stood again, stepped out of the bath and patted himself dry with the towel that Gaius had left nearby. Gaius told him that his clothes were in the cupboard in the room at the top of the steps that was apparently his. He changed into a nightshirt and then sat on the bed again until he got tired, then he lay down and slept.

**So... whatcha think? I ask this every chapter but whatever :P I'm a creature of habit ;)**

**Please let me know if you like/don't like this fic/potatoes/cheese**

**I really want to know these things ;)**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hello Merlinians :D**

**Here's the next chapter ^.^**

**I'm trying to swap my updates between this and my Glee fic Sidelined (check it out if you watch Glee and love Kurt) ;) so neither story goes too long between updates**

**I don't own Merlin**

**This chapter is dedicated to shell22. Thanks for your review ^.^ and a huge thank you to those of you who told me your potato and cheese preferences :D It's nice to know that some people actually read the AN's xD**

**Enjoy :D**

The next morning Merlin awoke and sat up. He dressed and then sat on the bed. Gaius came in and told him that breakfast was ready. While they ate, the old man informed him that he had a job. He was the manservant to the king of Camelot and after breakfast, Gaius would take Merlin to him. Merlin nodded in assent.

Arthur was brooding by the cold fireplace when there was a knock at the door.

'Enter' he said, turning around to see Gaius and Merlin come through the door 'Merlin!' Arthur grinned and rushed over to him, but stopped suddenly at Gaius' subtle head shake, it was then he noticed that all too familiar blank expression 'oh' he said, disappointed. The physician turned to his ward

'Merlin, this is king Arthur. Your job is to do whatever he asks of you', Merlin nodded and turned to face Arthur before bowing

'Sire'

Arthur was stunned. Merlin had never bowed to him before. At least never without mocking him. Then he remembered that it wasn't Merlin's fault but his own, he turned away, unable to look at the manservant he had grown to love with everything that he loved about him gone (except his ears)

'Just make my bed Merlin' he said, watching out of the corner of his eye as the manservant bowed again and made his way over to the bed while Gaius slipped out of the room quietly. Arthur turned his head to watch Merlin properly. He didn't speak as he fluffed up the pillows and smoothed out the sheets. It was odd. He seemed to have none of the mannerisms characteristic of Merlin, there was no clumsiness, no humming, no half-arsed attempt at his work. He was just a manservant going about his job. This disconcerted Arthur more than anything. Then he realised something and nearly cried out. Merlin was wearing a neckerchief. Something so little that he hadn't noticed it when he walked in, it was just something he took for granted about Merlin, that he would always argue and he would always wear a neckerchief. Now he didn't argue, but the neckerchief was there. Something personal, something uniquely Merlin. He wondered if it meant anything, he would have to speak to Gaius. Merlin finished making the bed and then pivoted so he was facing Arthur

'Is there anything else you require me to do sire?' he asked politely. Arthur glanced around his room and told the boy to clean the floor of his chambers. In reality he just wanted to keep Merlin close, so he could try to grasp on some level of normality, out of the corner of his eye only though. If he looked full on at his manservant there would be only silence, but in his peripheral vision, Merlin was glaring at the king at intervals in between biting his lip as he worked sullenly. Arthur tried to concentrate on the papers in front of him, but all the papers said was that the people were happy and everything was fine, the crops were growing, the water was flowing and Camelot was more peaceful than it had been in years. No beast sightings or sorcery. At that thought he glanced at Merlin who continued to work. If Merlin's magic hadn't been taken from him, and Arthur had lived anyway, would Merlin have wanted him to lift the ban on magic? To allow him to practice freely. There was no evil in his manservant he was certain. But now that there wasn't any magic either, did it matter?

He traced Merlin's face in his mind, the feel of their lips melding together, the emotion, the fear in his eyes at their last goodbye, and earlier, the joy, the laughs, the horrors, all of the near death experiences and the jokes and the fireside stories and figuring each other out, understanding and acceptance, growing to love. He thought of all that and he knew what Merlin would have wanted. He grabbed a fresh piece of parchment and a quill and ink and began to write, a new proposal that he would put to the council that afternoon. He would ask for Merlin to attend him there, then at least he could imagine his reaction. He swallowed the lump in his throat at that thought. He would do this for Merlin. The old Merlin. The man he had loved and fought beside. The man he owed his life and soul to.  
He scribbled away, trying to figure out a better reason for the proposal than 'I'm in love with my manservant who was a warlock before he lost his soul to save my life and I owe it to him to do what he would have wanted' but then again he mused as he tapped his quill against his chin 'because I'm the king and I said so' wouldn't really work all that well either. He looked at Merlin longingly, knowing that he would have written a much better speech that Arthur could ever think of. A dolt he was but Merlin had a way with words. The boy had been standing perfectly still by the wall for the past candle-mark, staring at nothing, hands folded neatly in front of them, the very image of a perfect servant.

It made Arthur feel sick.

He looked back at the parchment in front of him and continued to write with renewed vigour. He would make this work, he would make sure that the world would benefit from Merlin's sacrifice, and then he would find a way to undo said sacrifice. Once he was done he asked Merlin to attend him at the council rooms, Merlin nodded silently and waited for Arthur to go first so he could walk behind him, as Arthur passed he gave Merlin a touch to the shoulder and a small smile. Before he drew his hand away however, he couldn't help but stroke the material around Merlin's neck. Holding onto the hope that Merlin wasn't completely gone.

**So what do you think? This is the only Merlin fic I've done that actually involves Arthur knowing about Merlin's magic xD I hope I'm doing ok **

**Please let me know if you like it :D**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	9. Chapter 9

**Hello Merlin fandom, how are we all?**

**This chapter is kind of another filler, but I just really wanted to write it**

**This one is dedicated to Gembomz who gave me the idea (I credit you)**

**It is also dedicated to Vuurvlieg who pointed out a major plot flaw which caused me so switch things around a bit and reupdate the chapter, thank you :D  
**

**Enjoy ^.^**

'Merlin' Arthur ventured as they neared the council chambers, his manservant looked blankly at his chest, as a servant should, head bowed. The king tried not to focus on that however and ploughed on with his question 'Why are you wearing that?' he gestured to the tatty scarf around Merlin's throat. Merlin reached up to touch the scrap of cloth and shook his head

'I don't know sire' he said in the monotone voice he now possessed 'my neck was cold' Arthur just nodded as his stomach dropped and his heart squeezed painfully. He remembered the first time they had had that particular conversation, even if Merlin didn't.

_XXX_

_'Merlin, why on Earth do you wear that ridiculous thing around your neck?' the raven haired man shot a glare at his king that almost made Arthur want to urge his horse into a gallop. It was a look that he had never seen on his manservant's face before. It was dangerous and dark and Arthur couldn't help but think that he had crossed an invisible line by insulting a tatty bit of fabric_

_'A simple 'Why do you wear a neckerchief Merlin' would have sufficed' he said darkly, glaring at his own horses mane, scowling and grumbling about pratty princes making pratty kings with no sensitivity or consideration. Arthur gave one of his world-weary sighs as he took the moral high ground, after all, he thought, Merlin _had _sacrificed his soul for him, he may as well ask politely_

_'All right then _Mer_lin' he said 'why do you wear a neckerchief?' Merlin looked thoughtful, as if considering whether or not that should count as an apology, fortunately for Arthur, he decided it did and brought their horses together. They had been riding non-stop since their meagre breakfast at Merlin's insistance. After a moment, he spoke_

_'I never knew my father' he began and Arthur sobered immediately. This was going to be one of those almost awkward and very rare insights into Merlin's past. For someone so open, he really didn't give much away and moments like this were precious and Arthur treasured them 'at least, not until recently'. Arthur glanced at Merlin sharply then_

_'The last time you spoke of your father, you hadn't met him' he said, not wanting to push for an answer_

_'We met shortly before he died' Merlin said, seeming to battle with his emotions 'you met him too' he said, smiling at Arthur's shock then he carried on 'Balinor was my father. The Dragonlord' Arthur just gaped at this, awestruck _

_'Balinor?' a horrible thought came to him_

_'Yes Arthur'_

_'But I said...' Arthur slapped a hand to his forehead_

_'You said that no man was worth my tears while I was morning for my father' Merlin said, meeting Arthur's eye calmly, 'it's all right Arthur, you didn't know' _

_'Why didn't you tell me?' Arthur moaned, feeling like a complete prat. Merlin just laughed softly_

_'I'm the last Dragonlord now' he said contemplatively. Arthur's head shot up_

_'What!?'_

_XXX_

Needless to say, they hadn't gotten back to the original topic until after several explanations that left Arthur baffled and unsure whether he should arrest Merlin or knight him.

_XXX_

_'Anyway' Merlin said, some time later, 'back to the neckerchief. My father left my mother long before I was born and he didn't know of a child. The winters are harsh in Ealdor and food is scarce. One particular winter when I was young, about seven or eight, it was the worst I'd ever seen it and the people were suffering. Some starved, others froze. Many died that year. My mother and I got by as I could conjure food or blankets when we were desperate. I didn't need spells at that age. My magic was instinctive. Mother didn't like me to, she said that we would be fine without, so I tried to stop but that night, Mother and I shared the bed and she was shivering so much that I couldn't stand it. And I thought about all the other people in the village who needed help too. So I sneaked out and left a bundle of food wrapped in a blanket on each doorstep. The next morning, everyone was so happy and surprised. Except Mother, she was so angry at me' he smiled at the memory 'she was right I know, but I just didn't like watching my friends suffer _knowing_ I could do something to help.' Arthur smiled fondly at Merlin's typical, selfless attitude 'Anyway, it turns out that someone had seen me make and leave the parcels and told the village elders. They decided that they couldn't report me to Uther because I had actually saved most of their lives and they owed me. But they were going to punish me in some way, shame me probably, make me walk around naked for a day or something; but a group of boys were eavesdropping and didn't get the whole 'let's not kill him, we owe him' thing and took matters into their own hands.' here, Merlin frowned slightly as the memory became not-so-pleasant 'they found me in the woods and jumped me, I tried to run but one of them caught me around the neck. He squeezed so hard that I blacked out. When I woke up, they were holding my head underwater.' Merlin shivered 'that was one of the most difficult moments of my life. On the one hand, I couldn't breathe, on the other, I didn't really want to hurt the boys. Holding back my magic was so hard. I was just about to give up and push them away when someone yanked me out of the water. It was one of the village elders, old man Higgins. He chased the boys away and took me home. Mother was hysterical when she saw me, dripping wet, covered with bruises and crying. She took me inside and told me to explain what happened as she gave me a hot bath (I heated the water for her) and wrapped me in about three blankets. Then she tucked me into bed and the next day after I dressed, she came in with some pieces of cloth, one blue, one red and she tied the red one around my neck to cover the bruises and told me that they were from some shirts that my father had left. I started to cry and apologise because she was being so nice after I disobeyed her and she just dabbed at my eyes with the corner of the blue neckerchief and hugged me and told me that she loved me.' Merlin smiled with tears shining in his eyes 'I've worn them since.' and with that, Merlin clicked his tongue and his mare galloped ahead, leaving Arthur to his thoughts, feeling every bit the ass that Merlin had dubbed him on day one._

_XXX_

Arthur shook himself as he faded back into reality, him and Merlin just standing outside the door to the council chambers, not questioning the fact that they were just stood there like dolts, doing nothing. He was staring without expression and Arthur was suddenly hit with the full force of the loss as the stark contrast between Merlin and not-Merlin became even more apparent, the kaleidoscope of emotion replaced by an empty shell of nothing. Arthur took a deep breath and took a moment to compose himself before he pushed open the door, making the first of gestures he made to honour Merlin's memory.

**So... What do we think?**

**Please let me know, I love your reviews. I need them to LIVE!**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	10. Chapter 10

***Peeks out from behind laptop* please don't hurt me. I know it's been a long time since I updated this but I've been pretty busy and I lost inspiration for this particular fic for a bit. But it's half term now so HOPEFULLY I'll get another chapter done soon. But I make no promises :P**

**This chapter is dedicated to KatieElizabethRose because her review was just so damn lovely ^.^ Thank you so much!**

**I don't own things, blah blah**

**I hope you like it ... It may be a little rusty, I apologise in advance**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Arthur waited for his moment, Merlin was standing at a respectful distance with a water jug, not even seeming to listen as the other council members put forward their business and discussed it as appropriate. Arthur's leg began to bounce nervously under the table, and when it was his turn to speak he stood, hands flat on the table, doing his best to exude confidence.

'My lords' he said 'I have been doing some serious thinking lately and I have a proposal to put forward. Over the years it cannot escape your notice that we have endured many attacks from sorcery and people with magic, However, we have only been attacked since banning magic from Camelot and it has come to my attention that not all magic is used for evil, it can be a force for good and I propose that we lift the ban on sorcery'

there was uproar, heated mutterings and some full on shouting erupted around the table

'But sire!' one particular protester said 'what about those that have used magic to try to overthrow you? We cannot allow that corruption to plague the streets!' Arthur glanced at Merlin who was still standing there, now watching the pandemonium, although still expressionless.

'My good lord' Arthur said, looking back to the wizened old man 'Morgana is dead. She was the rallying force behind the majority of attacks on Camelot. And the other individuals were seeking revenge for their loved ones destroyed in the Great Purge. Although their methods were wrong, their reasons were just, we ourselves would want revenge if those we loved were killed wrongly. I personally have performed that very act. And I am a king, sworn to protect my people, king and peasant are both people, as are peasant and sorcerer, and so by that logic, king and sorcerer' he looked at Merlin again, unable to help himself. 'Lifting the ban on magic would not meat that I would tolerate any attacks of sorcery to the kingdom. Dark magic will be treated as it always has, however, magic can also be used to help crops grow larger and faster, it could prevent the danger of a drought. Magic could help Camelot to prosper. If people no longer starve, there will be less theft, less fights, less crime in general and we could reduce taxes or increase wages and we could focus our resources on other things. The repairs we need to make to the citadel defences will be made stronger by the use of protective enchantments and our army will benefit from having magic on our side in the event of battles. Many of the neighbouring kingdoms allow magic already, and they prosper in a way that Camelot has never known. The smaller, outlying villages will lose less people during the winter, we will have ample supplies for all. We could unite with those kingdoms, share supplies, set up trade. I can see only positives to this proposal' he finished, passionately, watching as the information sunk in around the table, he then sat and watched the lords talk among themselves, discussing Arthur's words and judging his conviction. He then turned to his manservant once more and looked at him with a mixture of longing and sadness 'I did this for you Merlin' he whispered quietly, feeling another stab when Merlin just looked back, glassy eyed, not caring what his king had just subjected himself to. There was no turning back now, if the lords didn't agree then they could overthrow his authority which would not only be humiliating but would lower his reputation, making him less likely to be taken seriously and some would even question his ability to rule. But if they did, it would mean great things for them all. For better or worse, he had committed to this. For Merlin.

He made his way back to his chambers with Merlin in tow, he ran his hand through his hair, exhausted, it had taken a lot more persuading for the most stubborn of lords on the council, and when they finally all came around, he didn't feel the triumph he had been expecting. There was pride certainly, this was probably the most monumental decision of his ruling, but there was a sadness underlining everything. Even after the past few days, he had hoped to see a little glimmer in Merlin's eyes, just something to give him hope that he hadn't lost his best friend forever. He watched as Merlin polished the candlesticks, lost in the alternate world of fantasy where Merlin would look at him, grin and launch himself at him, breathless with gratitude and happiness where they would stay in a tight embrace. Arthur sighed as he came back to himself and left his chambers, making his way to Gaius' for an update.

When he walked in, Gwaine, and Gaius looked up from their books. There was paper strewn everywhere, the shelves surrounding the room were almost empty and their usual contents was strewn over the floor and table.

'Anything Gaius?' he asked, he sounded desperate, even to himself. Gaius shook his head sadly.

'I have Percival searching the library with Leon' he said 'So far, nothing relevant.'

'The Cup of Life?' he suggested

'Would restore his health but not his mind' Gwaine said from his cot 'I already suggested it'

'Right', the king felt a boy again, looking for answers from someone so old and wise that he naturally assumed he knew _everything_. The first time he had discovered this not to be true he had been shocked deeply and almost disappointed.

'If Merlin was himself, he could summon Kilgarrah' Gaius sighed

'The dragon?' Arthur said, feeling his stomach sink 'I tried to persuade him to do that on the way back from the Isle, but he refused. He said it wasn't in his destiny to see Kilgarrah again' he had told Arthur this with tears in his eyes, singing praises to the dragon that had almost destroyed Camelot, telling him of how many times he had helped, his advise always being sound even if Merlin didn't follow it all the time due to his natural kindness. Gaius' eyes became tortured, presumably he had been fond of the dragon too. Then his face cleared and his eyes gleamed

'Gwen came in before, she helped research for a while and told us of your proposal. I'm proud of you Arthur' he said 'No one else could have convinced that council. You did well m'boy'

'Thank you Gaius' Arthur muttered humbly, sitting down 'What haven't you read yet?' Gaius gestured to a small pile of papers and a book

'We'll have to relocate to the library tomorrow.' he said 'I can get Geoffrey to help I'm sure, he's as fond of Merlin as anyone.' Arthur grabbed the book and began to read, he left much later, when Merlin returned, having finished his chores. He entered his own room to see his evening meal laid out on the table. Nothing missing, nothing nibbled on. It was a sad sight.

**So what do you think? Please review and let me know. I know I deserve your criticism for the long wait I made you have :'(**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	11. Chapter 11

**Hello wonderful, neglected people. I'm sorry for the age it took me to update and I'm sorry that this chapter is short  
****It's kinda rusty, I'm out of practice with Merlin fanfiction. Hopefully it's okay though :)**

**I've been crazy busy lately. I've entered two story competitions, one I only just sent off was to write a script that may get turned into an actual play if I win so fingers crossed :P**

**This chapter is dedicated to KatieElizabethRose because I got warm fuzzies from her review**

**I don't own Merlin or the ending would have been good (like this) ;)**

**Enjoy ^.^**

'Do you remember anything Merlin?' Arthur asked. It had been five days since Merlin had lost his soul completely, given in to the nothingness that he had become. Arthur felt worse with every passing hour that they failed to find a cure. Gaius, Gwaine, Percival, Leon and Geoffrey were living down in the library and many of the servants volunteered to work shifts after they came into concact with this new, not-Merlin. It only cemented to Arthur how well-loved Merlin was. He had heard countless stories of the bumbling manservant coming to the rescue of those who had forgotten a chore or gotten on the bad side of the cook or who had a large debt. But time was running out, and so was hope.

They had all made a considerable dent in the library but with nothing to go on and a few false hopes from the less experienced it was wearing on everyone's raw nerves. Gwen became the library maid, looking after those reading for the day, changing the sheets on the makeshift bed and bringing them all food. Arthur would have joined them but since his proposal to the council his days had been filled with honouring Merlin rather that working to cure him. This thought always bothered him, it made him seem as if he had already given up, and he hadn't, he still clung to hope, the tiniest shred maybe, but hope nonetheless. Even Gaius had begun to give up. The physician seemed to have aged a decade in the past few days, he now moved with a stick and his eyesight was

worsening. Arthur knew that Gaius was wearing himself out. He barely slept anymore, continuing to read by candlelight, until almost dawn and he would wake when the first rays of sunlight peeped over the horizon. Arthur worried about him and had asked Gwen to keep an eye on him. The king of Camelot had been woken a few moments before by a gentle shake to his shoulder by his manservant. He was eating his breakfast when he finally asked the question. Merlin had told him before that he would lose all of his memories. But Arthur felt something nagging at him that said that that couldn't be true.

He had sent for Hunith in Ealdor, reasoning that even if nothing came of it, she would at least get the chance to say goodbye to her only son. She should arrive on the morrow. And Arthur was dreading it. How could he even begin to explain how this had happened? How could he give her a reason as to why he was whole and well and Merlin was … not. Merlin only blinked in response

'Sire?'

'I mean, can you remember your childhood?' Merlin shook his head, expressionless … almost. A frown … the slightest of twitches to Merlin's eyebrow but Arthur saw it, and his heart swelled to see it, he had grown almost used to his silent companion, and his frozen face, although he had liked him less and less, resenting him, resenting himself, missing him most of all.

'What about yesterday?'

'I remember yesterday sire'

'The day before?'

'Yes'

'Last week?'

'I-' Merlin stopped, a flash in his eyes, it could have been anything, but it was _something _and Arthur clung all the harder to the jagged edges of hope 'I remember the woods, sire'

'Do you remember anything you said?'

'No sire. But I remember -' he stopped again and Arthur held his breath. This is the first time Merlin had elaborated on an answer, or anything for that matter. He just didn't have initiative anymore.

'What?' he urged 'What do you remember?'

'I remember you asking me if I knew who you were'

'And do you?' hope rose in his chest, painfully, he recalled the flicker in Merlin's eyes when he had asked that question, the instinctive insult. Arthur would give _anything_ for Merlin to insult him now, his riches, his kingdom, his crown, _anything_.

'You are Arthur Pendragon. King of Camelot and my master' Merlin spoke matter of factly, this was knowledge, a fact. No emotion. No insult. Arthur deflated,

'I suppose you're right' he said, feeling like a child, wanting Merlin to say that that wasn't right at all, that he was a royal prat and a dollop head who didn't deserve such an amazing and understanding and all-powerful manservant. But he didn't. He just stood there, hands clasped at his front, waiting for his next question or order from Arthur. Arthur looked at him sadly, lost in his memories, before he shook himself. He had a meeting with the king of a neighbouring kingdom this morning. He had to be dressed in his best. He wanted to impress this one. A good friend of his fathers with the same views on magic, although he had a theory that king Rothorne was just scared that if he allowed magic to run free it would overtake the kingdom. Arthur had to dispel that fear and offer proof that magic could be beneficial to a kingdom.

'Help me dress, Merlin' he said

_XXX_

Halfway through the meeting Arthur could feel anger rising within him, Rothorne kept insisting on the same points over and over, that Arthur should follow in his father's footsteps, that magic was evil and that change was unwise when the current system worked

'Your highness' Arthur said politely though his gritted teeth 'the current system is not working. Our people live in fear that they will be branded sorcerers. Real sorcerers have fled in terror with memories of their loved ones being slaughtered for a skill they were once revered for. A skill that can help with countless daily works. It can help with construction, with crops and harvests and entertainments and illnesses. Think of the diseases we could cure if we allowed sorcerers to be free!...'

He carried on at length. Rothorne protested for a while like a petulant child but eventually, he began to run out of reasons to keep magic banned, he needed the alliance with Camelot, his kingdom had less fields to grow crops and relied on Camelot surplus to keep his kingdom fed during the long winter months. It also had a much smaller army and Camelot could always be counted on to lend a small force of knights to dispense justice against Rothorne's enemies. The alliance meant much, and Rothorne was not a stupid man. Greedy maybe, but not stupid. He agreed to trail it for half a year and extend that trail if no harm came to his kingdom.

Arthur left the conference room exhausted. He sent orders to the kitchens and mummers to organise a feast for that evening in celebration of the unity of the kingdoms. He had another lord arriving around noon, it may be presumptuous to order the preparations now but lord Martith dwelled in one of the kingdoms that were lax in the laws of sorcery. They allowed them to live and work as long as they hid well and committed no crimes. Arthur expected that they would be thankful for this chance to allow it's people freedom. As Merlin would have been.

**So ... what do you think? Please let me know, I love getting reviews, they make me so happy :)**

**I can't promise that I'll update soon I'm afraid :( I have my A2 theatre exam coming up and I am SUPER stressed out about it :/**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	12. Chapter 12

**Hello ... *nervously smiles and waves* long time no see.**

**I'm really sorry that this has taken so long to update, and I'm extra sorry because it's a short chapter but I literally just finished my A-level exams so I have been SUPER busy with revision and stressing and various other, (mostly) academically related things. **

**But now that I'm free, I figured you all deserved for me to get my butt into gear and update.**

**I don't own Merlin or any of it's characters or ideas**

**I dedicate this chapter to Kalia of Camelot, for her lovely, lovely review**

**Thank you all for putting up with my incompetence**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Percival came into the great hall halfway through the festivities and almost ran to the king's table. Arthur stood right away

'Sire' he said 'Gaius believes he has found it. He requests your presence urgently' Arthur nodded and turned to the other men at his table who were looking at him in confusion.

'Excuse me my lords, I apologise' he said regally 'but I must leave you. Continue to enjoy the festivities, my servants will see to your every need.' He took a few steps towards the door but was stopped by Rothorne

'Can we be of assistance, sire?'

'I'm afraid not' he replied 'you see, my physician has found the key to something very precious to me' and without another word, he motioned to Merlin to follow him and made his way behind Percival to the library, forcing himself to walk calmly. But he broke into a run halfway through. He burst into the library to find a very tired, ill and haggard looking Gaius holding his finger on the yellowed page of a huge tome.

'What is it Gaius?' Arthur asked eagerly as Merlin joined him, he hadn't run, he had just quickened his pace slightly.

'It's … complicated sire' the old physician said, looking up at him from his seat. 'And it's not a guaranteed cure but apparently, the only way to reverse the effect are to make him remember.'

'How?' Arthur asked, frowning 'I thought the Sidhe took his memories'

'They did' Gaius agreed 'But as long as he lives he can potentially get them back, the soul is the essence of oneself, like the strings of a puppet; It cannot function if all of the strings have been cut. You wondered why he still wears a neckerchief, still remembers how to make your bed, dress himself, clean, things that although are basic, are still learned behaviours. To be completely without, Merlin would be pure instinct'

Arthur nodded slowly

'So how do we get him back?' he asked

'A trigger word' Said Gaius, glancing at Merlin over the king's shoulder. 'It is said that everyone has one. One single word that sums them up and means everything. This word may spark something, and if the afflicted person is strong enough, they may be able to force their soul to re-enter their body'

'But Merlin said that the power of his soul went to heal me'

'That is true sire, but if you imagine the soul as a whirlwind, pure energy that interacts with the world, but in the middle is the eye of the storm which remains untouched. The energy is Merlin's power and the eye is his soul. The Sidhe only took the energy'

'But' Arthur lowered his voice, not that Merlin seemed to be listening 'Will that mean that his magic will still be gone?' Arthur remembered the pain that Merlin had seemed to be in, separated from his magic, he couldn't allow Merlin to endure that. Gaius shook his head

'Theoretically, the energy can be remade, as long as the soul is intact. But practically-' the elderly man sighed 'I cannot say Arthur. To my knowledge this has never been done before, this is all just an theory'

'Well we have to try. What would Merlin's trigger word be?'

'I don't know, sire'

'Right then' the king gently sat Merlin down and placed his own chair next to Gaius', facing him

'Magic' Merlin blinked but continued to stare blankly

'Hunith' Gaius tried

'Dragon'

'Kilgarrah' Gaius corrected, shooting an annoyed look at Arthur, then he caught himself 'Or Aithusa'

'Dragonlord'

'Balinor'

'Friends'

'Arthur'

'What? Arthur turned to look at Gaius 'Why would my name be his trigger word?' Gaius raised an eyebrow

'Because you mean more to him than anyone' he replied kindly 'I remind you sire, this is a long shot'

Arthur turned back to Merlin, who didn't seem perturbed at having two men just saying words at him

'Neckerchief'

'Yellow' Arthur raised an eyebrow, Gaius shrugged 'his favourite colour'

'Idiot, prat, clotpole, dollop-head, ass' Arthur fired them off in quick succession, those words meant a lot to _him_ anyway

'Do you have to insult him?'

'Yes' Gaius sighed

'Camelot'

'Home'

'Love'

'Friendship'

'Honour'

'Knights'

'The Old Religion'

'That's three words' Arthur pointed out.

'It was worth a try' the physician huffed

'This is hopeless' Arthur said, he buried his head in his hands 'We could spend the rest of his life saying words and still not find the right one'

'Well we're running out of time' Gaius reminded him 'The week is almost up, and the Sidhe are known for being exact in their timekeeping, living so long they learn to predict the exacts.'Arthur let out a noise in the back of his throat that was half sob half gargle. Gaius turned back to the stationary manservant

'Tavern'

'This is Merlin, not Gwaine.'

'Oi!' Gwaine put in indignantly from across the table. He was watching the exchange, a flicker of hope beginning to burn in his chest

'Adventure'

'Freya'

'Who's Freya?'

'It's a long story' Arthur rolled his eyes

'It always is. Helping'

'Leech tank'

'Cleaning'

'Armour'

'Protect'

'Warlock'

'Unicorn'

'Manservant'

'Kingdom'

'Albion'

'United'

Every word was dredging up memories for Arthur. Merlin had loved that unicorn and had been so upset when Arthur killed it, and so happy when it lived again. He treasured that moment. He had always loved watching Merlin in the woods. He always seemed happier, more alive when surrounded by trees and wildlife. He hadn't really understood that until the unicorn, why he hated hunting so much. Merlin was just so empathetic. He felt for all the creatures in existence and he saw the beauty and grace in them all.

'Nature' he tried. Any of these words stirred up his feelings, they all related back to the one thing that meant the most to him. Merlin was more difficult to figure out, always had been, an enigma wrapped in a riddle (and yes he knew what that meant, he had done some researching too)

'Supercilious' he smiled slightly. Gaius raised an eyebrow but didn't comment

'Ealdor' Gwaine said

'Peace' put in Percival

'Emrys' tried Gaius

'Excalibur'

'Dragoon'

'Laughter'

'Clumsiness'

'Camping'

'Cooking'

'Food'

'Again, that's more Gwaine' Arthur grinned

'Again, oi!' Gwaine said with a touch of fake indignation. They all lapsed into silence for a moment, thinking. Merlin was the kind of person who never took anything for granted, he cared about everything and everything was important to him, whether it had created a scar or a bond, everything meant something. But it was impossible to quote his whole life back to him in the hopes of finding one word that fit.

Arthur lost himself in his thoughts of Merlin, of everything he associated with Merlin. It was a while before be began linking things together, before he found that one word which he would never normally attribute to his bumbling manservant, but seeing and knowing all of Merlin, all his sides, troubled and carefree, strong and weak, hurt and happy there was only one word that really summed up Merlin. Their chance meeting, their slow bond, meeting Lancelot and Gwaine, becoming friends with Gwen, bringing them all together in a way that would otherwise have been impossible, his very reason for getting himself into this state in the first place, out of his loyalty and kindness and his feeling of obligation. Arthur stood and knelt in front of Merlin, meeting his eyes, trying to convey all of his emotions in one look, and one word. Hoping to whatever was listening that it would work, because if this word didn't work then he knew nothing would.

'Destiny'

**So... what do you think? *Hides behind cushion* is it okay? I know it's kind of a weird idea but it just came to me and wouldn't let me go. I'm hoping it fits in and that I didn't get too far off track, and I really wanted it to end on that word.**

**I also thought to add in a little bit of humour because it's been pretty much nothing but angst the past few chapters**

**Please don't hit me ... free cookies?**

**Please let me know your honest opinions, I really do appreciate any and all feedback**

**I'm thinking maybe the next chapter will be the last, it seems like I should be able to tie everything up**

**What would YOUR trigger word be? I think mine would be either 'Bacon' or '*insert name of fandom here*'**

**Let me know ^.^**

**Love Tibbins xx**


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello you wonderful fandom :)**

**See how quick my updates can be when I'm free from pressure? :P **

**This chapter made me sad :( because it's the last one. **

**I don't own Merlin**

**I want to thank you all for your support, favourites, follows and reviews.**

**Merlinisamazing: Of course you can have a cookie ^.^ *gives cookie***

**This chapter is dedicated to my 100th reviewer on this story: Ronja! Congrats :)**

**But also to Gembomz because she said it was her birthday :D So a HUGE happy birthday, this chapter is for you too :)**

**Enjoy ^.^**

Merlin felt something inside of him. Like an itch, a niggle, a gentle tug. Something responded to that word. Destiny. What did it mean? More importantly, what did it mean to him? From what king Arthur and Gaius had said, he had lost something. Apparently something he needed back. But he had everything he needed. He had warm clothes, a full belly, a job. What else did he need? If it was that important then surely he would have noticed it missing. Wouldn't he? That word again. Destiny. What did it mean? The tug got more insistent, it was like there was a thread in his mind, fragile and delicate, and it was connecting him to something. Something far away. But what?

He frowned and shook his head, trying to clear it. He reached his hand up to his head and it brushed the scrap of material around his neck. He tore it off and stared at it. Why did he wear it? The king had asked him that, and had seemed disappointed with his answer, as if he had been expecting something else, as if he already _knew_. He clenched his fist around the fabric, the tug in his brain was beginning to become painful, that threat tethered him to something and he knew that if it broke away, he would be lost forever. Destiny. Something to do with a reason, a reason for being. What was his? He thought on the other words that had been said. Magic, he felt a warmth at that word, and a loss. A need.

Was that what the thread led to? Some kind of magic that would make him better? Warlock. Did that mean that _he _was a warlock? Dragonlord, the next word that linked that one was family, and Hunith and Blainor came together. Home, Ealdor. These words meant something too. Friendship. Faces flashed in his mind, Gaius, the king, his wife, the man who had interrupted, the large man with no sleeves, and others that he didn't remember but knew all the same, some brought with them feelings, connections to loss or anger, a beautiful woman with raven black hair and eyes that flashed gold, a dark, quiet young man who was the brother to the queen, and another face, brown hair, kind eyes, _Lancelot. _The word came of it's own accord and he started in shock. Freya. A girl in a tattered dress, reminded him of strawberries. He realised that he was crying but didn't know why. Arthur. Another word. The name of the king, something more. Destiny. Arthur. Love. Friendship. Protect. Albion. Camelot. Arthur. They were all linked somehow. Linked by loyalty, knights, a code, friendship, love, Arthur. Him?

His eyes shot open, he hadn't realised he'd closed them. A spark. A memory. A dragon in a cave, a troll, a blue fairy, cleaning boots, trading insults, snakes in a shield, a griffin, a blue stone, a unicorn, a bridge, a lake, trees and birds, carrying packs, sleeping in tents, laughter, joy, a boat on fire, grief, books, witches and warlocks, hiding, a special cup, a boy in a cloak. Destiny. Druids, adventures, creatures, drought, poison, hope, Camelot, Albion, Uther, Nimueh, enemies, trust.

They were all linked. Entwined with each other to form a life. _His _life. And they revolved around Arthur, and the word. Destiny.

Memories and emotions flooded him, he remembered faces, names, places, species. He remembered how to dress a wound and how Arthur liked his bath.

He took hold of that thread in his mind with both hands and pulled, fighting to get to the thing on the other side. The more he remembered and felt, the stronger and thicker the thread became and it was easier, shorter, closer.

Suddenly, the thread shortened and snapped, and the thing on the other end was sucked into his head.

He felt the tingle of magic under his skin, felt his eyes flash gold, felt.

He was Merlin again.

He looked up into the faced around him, peering at him nervously. Gaius looked gaunt and ill, Gwaine was pale but they were all looking at him with hope.

'Merlin?' Arthur ventured. Merlin looked at him

'Yes m'lord prattiness?' he replied, fighting a grin. Arthur had done it. For him. He had helped him find his way back. And by the looks of things, Gaius and Gwaine had been killing themselves trying too. Arthur laughed, rich and vibrant, full of relief. Gwaine jumped on him, knocking him out of the chair, Percival was next, and then Arthur, they were locked in a huge group hug of tangled limbs and laughter and tears and relief. Gaius stood patiently, waiting for a separate hug from his ward. He was too old to join in, plus it looked painful. When they all struggled to their feet again, Merlin walked over to his mentor and hugged him hard

'Thank you' he whispered 'for finding me a way back. I'll never be able to thank you enough. There were tears shining in both of their eyes when he pulled back. Gaius placed a hand on the warlock's shoulder

'Just live my boy' he said 'that brings me all the pride I could wish for', Merlin smiled and then turned away to thank his other friends in turn. He turned to Arthur last and rested a hand on his king's cheek. He didn't need to say anything, their bond was too deep, and Arthur hated all that girly feelings stuff anyway. Maybe one quiet day, when they were alone would Arthur admit how scared he was.

'Right' said Merlin, grinning at his friends 'I do believe there are some fancy kings and lords to please, now that magic's been legalised and all.' He met Arthur's eyes then, trying to convey his thanks, his pride, his hope for the future.

'I did it for you' Arthur said in return. 'Idiot'

Merlin laughed, his eyes flashed gold, and a shower of rainbow coloured sparks flew from his hands.

**So there we are. The end of another story :)**

**I really hope you liked reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it**

**I know it's short, but I thought that was a good place to end**

**Please let me know your thoughts/feelings about it :)**

**Love you all**

**Love Tibbins xx**


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